r/TwoXChromosomes 11d ago Facepalm 1 Take My Energy 1

Men who call women “females” or “bitches” are automatic red flags to me, what are some red flags that automatically turn you off?

Also, I hate when a man posts pictures with his middle finger up. It is so so distasteful.

Edit: Woah, I didn’t expect to get this many responses

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u/asmorningdescends 11d ago

Someone who deliberately says something because they know it makes you uncomfortable, and then when you tell them to cut it out they get angry with you.

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u/dognus88 10d ago

"Im just joking. Get a senseof humor" ~ some guy who will freak out if he is the butt of a joke.

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u/laurel_laureate 10d ago

The best way to refer to such people is thid.

"Schrödinger's Racist/Sexist/Whatver-ist":

Someone whose statements fluctuate between joking or kidding and deadly seriousness, depending on the perceived reaction of their audience.

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u/LorianGunnersonSedna 10d ago

"Schrödinger's douchebag" is a nice catch-all.

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u/Academic_Snow_7680 10d ago

The same guy that will do the thing you just asked him not to do (don't turn around, my weird cousin is on the next checkout register and I don't want to talk to him) and then he turns around and does exactly what you asked him not to do (loudly yelling "HEY COUSIN" to initiate conversation) and then finds it really funny when you're frustrated and think he's an asshole. Because he's an asshole.

Anyone who does little spiteful things like that just to get under other people's skin and annoy/hurt them is a HUGE RED FLAG

"pranksters" with mean pranks who startle other people are also the shits of the shit. They literally can cause a heart-attack and if this is done repeatedly as I'm seeing assholes do to their coworkers on TikTok can cause chronic heart palpitation problems.

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u/4E4ME 10d ago

You mean people who deliberately ignore your boundaries?

Yep, can-see-it-from-space red flag.

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u/vkapadia Coffee Coffee Coffee 10d ago

There was just a story where a guy told his work not to throw him a birthday party because of his anxiety. They did anyway. He had a panic attack. They fired him. He sued and won.

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u/wat_happened_here 10d ago

Omg. What the actual fuck!?!

I have to email HR to stop them wishing me Bday and work anniversary announcements in slack and then a bunch of randos I don’t know bomb me with alerts. It stresses me out and I don’t want it. They had zero issues with it and added me to a list to check before they manually do it.

It doesn’t matter people love it and doing it I don’t want it and they respects that because my work isn’t insane. Also god I hate unneeded pings.

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u/napministry 10d ago

My ex husband would always say the most hurtful shit followed by “just joking”

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u/Far_Pianist2707 11d ago

That's a very scary yikes emotional abuse tactics!

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u/SoFlaBarbie 10d ago

This is spot on. Run from anyone you suspect is doing and saying things just to get a reaction out of you. At a minimum, they are toxic and emotionally immature.

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u/asmorningdescends 11d ago

I know. I'm currently dealing with it in work, and its not nice.

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u/ihavebigboobiezz Queef Champion 11d ago

Men who shame women for not using birth control but then will shit their pants when you ask them to wear a condom.

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u/PsychKim 11d ago

I had a man in his late 50’s freak out when we started talking about condoms and testing. The rude words he used and the accusations. Whew. Glad I got out before the next date. Scary as F

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u/YeaIFistedJonica 10d ago edited 10d ago Heartwarming

It’s important to set those ground rules for sure, another practice I like (I work in sexual health) to impart when doing “condom negotiations” is to have the condoms out next to wherever the sex is taking place.

Starts getting hot and heavy and you go, hey can you put one of those on? Works typically bc #1 the condoms being out already plants the expectation and reaffirms any discussion (if had) that occurred prior to the act. #2 once he’s hard and horny, he’ll pretty much say yes to anything, if it’s a choice between blue balls and a condom, typically they’ll make the right choice

Edit: if anyone wants to have a chat about condom negotiation tips then please feel free to message me! I do lectures on sexual health destigmatization and put together a zine on finding the right condom fit!

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u/PsychKim 10d ago

Thanks. This convo was over the phone and I’m a therapist so I was very strong with boundaries and a respectful conversation. He called me names and said that only teenagers use condoms and it’s dirty and disgusting to even talk about condoms and testing. He was unsafe and threatening. I ended the conversation and let him know I was no longer going to be in contact with him and why. I blocked him. Of curse I called my bestie who is a sex therapist. We couldn’t believe the lack of knowledge of this older gentlemen who also has three 20 something daughters.

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u/stoneandglass 10d ago

He thought it was dirty to talk about condoms and testing. That's the reddest flag I've seen lately.

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u/Opalescenttreeshark0 10d ago

My go-to is to bring up allergies early on in a random conversation and mention I'm allergic to latex. That naturally leads to a convo about condoms and how I'm not on birth control and 100% opposed to having more children, so condoms or it's not happening. It's helped me weed out idiots more than once.

Also, random product placement ad: SKYN condoms are an amazing latex-free option, I barely notice it's there and the guys I've dated say they're great compared to the types they're used to.

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u/ForscherVerrat 11d ago

“Protection for thee, but not for me.”

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u/Amaline4 11d ago

Can you imagine the collective male uproar if we told them that they had to insert a thin metal device into their genitals as contraception?

And then tell them that they have to do it without any numbing or painkillers?

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u/ihavebigboobiezz Queef Champion 11d ago

You would have men talking about how they don’t wanna do it because of the possible side effects.

The same exact shit women go through with hormonal birth control but, yeah, women the bad guy for not always wanting to use it.

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u/bunnyrut 11d ago

You would have men talking about how they don’t wanna do it because of the possible side effects.

The exact reason so many men dropped out of the male birth control trials.

"But you don't understand, the side effects were really bad! We felt like killing ourselves!"

Um... unfortunately, women who felt like that when it first came out were forced to stick with it. And even to this day, women report the negative side effects and how it is impacting their day to day lives and are told to shut up and deal with it. But the men get to walk away without a second thought. It's only bad if men have to deal with it though, right?

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u/SallyAmazeballs 11d ago

What annoys me about the male birth control trials is that the side effects were common PMS symptoms that women get dismissed all the time. Yes, even the suicidal thoughts.

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u/Far_Pianist2707 11d ago

Suicidal thoughts are a PMS symptom???? That explains so much

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u/SallyAmazeballs 11d ago

Yes, lots of women experience an increase in their depression symptoms as a PMS symptom! It might promote you to having PMDD, rather than just plain PMS, but it's very, very common. I think all of my friends have experienced it occasionally, and mine disappeared when I started meds for anxiety. I hadn't even realized how much it was affecting me until it was gone.

More about PMDD here. https://www.womenshealth.gov/menstrual-cycle/premenstrual-syndrome/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd

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u/SarcasticAutumnFae 10d ago

This is why I take my BC pill packs back-to-back, no sugar pills. I still get bleed throughs in the form of heavy spotting for a few days that occurs about 3 times a year, but what I don't get are suicidal thoughts and feelings. Slynd has truly been a life saver.

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u/dedicated-pedestrian 11d ago

Ironically the most recently effective one has basically no side effects.

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u/thejenwith1n 11d ago

When a guy insults you and then when you react or call him out he says any variation of “Just kidding! you can’t take a joke! you misunderstood me. you’re too sensitive!”

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u/YoruNiKakeru 11d ago

“It’s just banter”
“Calm down”
“Don’t take yourself too seriously”

I fucking hate people like that.

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u/elonmusksdeadeyes 11d ago

"Oh wow, I really triggered you!!

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u/thejenwith1n 11d ago

Anyone telling me to “Calm down” is a guarantee I will definitely not calm down.

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u/idle_monkeyman 10d ago

Things will in fact calm up.

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u/Erniestarfish 11d ago

“It’s just locker room talk calm down” says a man outlining sexual assault

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u/Admirable_Invite8645 11d ago

I'm currently studying IT (male dominated industry) and I have to deal with these daily, even from my teachers. Sexist comments followed with "just a joke gals haha". It's so friking tiring, and also you can't make any reaction or you'll be cast as "oversensitive".

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u/LittleMtnMama 11d ago edited 11d ago

That used to bother me but the longer I've existed and argued with m3n - I see it as an invite these days.

The ones who do this are so fucking fragile it's laughable.

If you insult them back and call them sensitive they fold like a damn cheap lawn chair in a hurricane.

The first time I discovered this, a self described Kentucky redneck was insulting me because I was taking my car for an oil change instead of doing it myself.

He was not aware that I knew he'd just wrecked his brand new tricked out souped up F150 by...driving it thru an ATM and scraping a huge gash down the side. 😬 Indeed my husband had nicely asked me do not talk about the truck, D. Is sensitive about it.

But D chose to poke me so all bets were off. I listened to him go on about "Dang wimmin. Pain sommady ta change thoil inner car."

Then I calmly smiled and said "At least I can drive thru the motherfucking ATM without hitting it."

He cried.

I still smile when I think back on that.

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u/vorticon_mafia 11d ago

I dunno where you are, but if I’m ever there im buying you a drink

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u/PSSalamander 11d ago

He cried? LOL. I love you for this.

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u/LittleMtnMama 10d ago

He was typically very very drunk, so that helped, but he'd also had one hell of a bad day.

Thought he'd try taking it out on me. Wrongly. 😂

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u/Z4mb0ni 11d ago Spit-take

Schrodingers douchebag

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u/bob_bobington1234 11d ago

"I'm just joking" is an attempt at covering up a lot of shitty behaviour.

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u/thejenwith1n 11d ago

It’s a bully’s excuse: “oh you’re mad? That’s your fault“ - and it’s straight up gaslighting.

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u/bob_bobington1234 11d ago

I had an uncle that did this to his wife for years. I remember my very Catholic Dad saying he wouldn't blame her for leaving him. Fun story, he once tried doing this to my Mom, she told him to go fuck himself, he didn't do it again. I get my no tolerance for bullshit from her, great lesson for me and my sister.

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u/LunaPolaris 10d ago

My ex used to go on a rant of insulting me and putting me down and when I got upset he would say "What? I'm just being honest! If your feelings got hurt that's your problem, I'm not responsibe for your feelings".

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u/thejenwith1n 10d ago

It’s an abusers way of holding you accountable for their shit behavior so they don’t have to be responsible for the fallout of their abuse. Anyone who doesn’t have respect for your feelings doesn’t deserve your time!

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u/Mondashawan 11d ago

If he gets offended or defensive when you look out for your own safety. One example, when you want to meet somewhere differently that's more public.

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u/Galileo_Spark 11d ago

I’ve had multiple guys give me a hard time about having pepper spray on my keychain. Always disguised as jokes, but a huge red flag as to where my personal safety stands with them.

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u/hawksvow 10d ago

I've always found that particularly hilarious. Like they hate feeling like they might lose a physical altercation that otherwise they'd always win.

I had to explain that word for fucking word to a guy. "You're afraid that I'll use this tiny knife that I have literally never used on anything besides canned cat food and to cut loose threads off my jeans on you? But I should totally not be afraid of you using your significantly more muscles and significant height advantage on me... why?"

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u/abortionleftovers 11d ago

So much this!!! I had a guy once say “what are you saying I am someone who would rape you?” Because I refused to come back to his room from a party (in college) the same night we met even though I gave him my number. And I was thinking to myself “well I didn’t before but now that you you’re so upset I want to make choices that feel safe to me, yeah you do seem like a rapist.” If you had no ill intentions toward me and didn’t desire to make me feel unsafe then why is me wanting to me safe a problem for you?

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u/thejenwith1n 11d ago

Had something similar happen, I told a new guy I wasn’t ready for him to come to my home to hang out and his pissy reply was “Why, do you think I’m going to rape you?” I said, “Well, I do NOW.” He got furious and I got gone. Bye butthurt bro!

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u/kattieface 11d ago

I had a guy on a first date recently repeatedly make references to me going to his place for. I mentioned several times I was happy where we were. When I got home he said I'd made "a good call" not going there, as he definitely would have tried something. Like, dude, thanks so much for making it clear you wouldn't respect my boundaries and would have assaulted me. Disgusting.

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u/Mondashawan 11d ago

WTF? Seriously he said that in his sober self-awareness? Wow!

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u/thejenwith1n 11d ago

That’s horrible! What’s worse is he probably thought he was being flirty, like “you’re so irresistible I wouldn’t have been able to help myself.” Eww.

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u/SnappyCapricorn 10d ago

Yeah but he was “just being honest.”

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u/Academic_Snow_7680 10d ago

thank goodness for that, OP might have gone with him some other time

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u/juicyjuicery 11d ago

My ex said I made him out to be some kind of predator. These fuckheads tell on themselves

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u/ApparitionofAmbition 10d ago

Oh man, when I'd call out my ex on his bad behavior he'd get angry and say "you're making me feel bad!!!"

...good? Maybe that's a sign that you need to make some changes?

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u/Mondashawan 11d ago

Can you say "projection" boys and girls?

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u/madeupgrownup 10d ago

"it makes me feel like the bad guy"

Well yes, Dave, that's been the general idea. Most people would consider hitting your girlfriend a "bad guy" thing to do, well done for noticing. /S but also not

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u/ERPedwithurmom 10d ago

The night I met my now 5 year partner was at a party, pretty much everyone else had gone home but we stayed and chatted for like 6 hours straight. When it was time to finally sleep he asked me where he wanted me. I literally just met this guy so I wasn't about to sleep on the couch with him, he took a chair in the room and slept sitting up.

In the morning I was thinking "wow it was sweet that he didn't fight when I didn't want to be physical and sacrificed his comfort for mine", now it just depresses me that the bar was so low for me to find him not pushing himself on me to be endearing!

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u/LadyBug_0570 10d ago

Funny story to tell.

There was a guy who I was talking to who I had a similar conversation with regarding going to his place to meet for the first time. He was all butthurt and "You really think I would rape you or something?"... whatever.

I said to him, "Well, how do you know i'm not going to hurt you? My favorite book is Helter Skelter, I've read about all the major serial killers, I watch ID Network for the true crime stories and I know where all the knives are in my house. And how sharp they are."

Come to think of it, I don't think he and I ever met.

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u/ChibiTarheel 10d ago

I met a guy online and made plans to meet him at a public place. He agreed but specified I should meet him in the parking lot at his car. When I suggested we meet at the front door of the restaurant he told me I was crazy and suspicious. I immediately canceled and cut off communication.

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u/Mondashawan 10d ago

That's weird behavior! Why do you need to meet him in the parking lot? I don't even see how he could justify that or come up with a good reason.

He probably wanted you to touch his dick. Or we was going to try to get a BJ in his car and then skip dinner all together, lol.

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u/AllLeftiesHere 11d ago

Yes! When I was on the dating scene a guy wanted to meet at a bar on date #1. I said thanks how about coffee? He actually laughed at me and said he ‘doesn’t do that’. That was the end of that.

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u/somdude04 10d ago

I think coffee and mini golf should be the standard first date. Quiet locations so you can talk, sobriety to keep normal judgement, a break in action to allow someone to bail safely (transport between separately), a fun activity to focus on if the date starts to go meh, very public locations for safety, low-cost, and easy to meet dietary restrictions.

If you can't spend a couple hours talking over coffee and mini golf, it's not going to be a successful relationship.

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u/JudgingIsMyHobby 10d ago

And if the date starts to go bad, you have a golf club to protect yourself.

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u/gottaletitg0 11d ago

I had a guy complain to me that it was “unfair” I was scared to meet him in-person without talking with him a little bit first. Apparently I was labeling all men as violent by being cautious. Dude turned out to be a total weirdo. Follow your gut.

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u/boxedcatandwine 10d ago

i declined to go to dinner after an afternoon coffee with a dude.

he claimed it was "unfair" because I was the first 'normal' woman he'd met.

oh ok yeah i see. you've not had sex with 10 women in a row, it's not fair and i have to make up for the other women. let's go.

but if i meet 10 abusive men and i'm cautious about the 11th, they lose their minds. hmm.

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u/SnappyCapricorn 10d ago

Especially when they want to change plans last minute like oops my car won’t start you’ll have to come pick me up.

I always made it pretty clear that they have to earn my trust to gain time in privacy w me & personal info. I’ll discuss my industry & what area in which I stay, but I’m not disclosing my employer or home address or getting in a car together until I determine this person is safe. Most creeps weed themselves out. Getting pushy, trying to trick me are deal breakers. I got a few confessions from guys who kept trying to invite themselves to my place that they had live-in partners (but going through a break up or in an open relationship lol.)

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u/Worldly-Reaction-827 11d ago

This one is incredibly common and 100% a dealbreaker. At best, it shows a complete lack of empathy. At worst, he’s offended because he is in fact a threat to your safety.

In my experience, the men that have been understanding and don’t push these boundaries usually had a woman in their life that was raped/abused by a man. But it shouldn’t take a personal experience to understand these things. Why is it so hard for men to empathize?

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u/Mondashawan 11d ago

Because those men don't see you as human but as a means to an end. Which is you at the end of their dick.

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u/Pussycat-X 11d ago

I once posted on a forum about how I've done online background checks on men I've started dating. The eruption of pissed off men was a real eye opener.

They were all butthurt about the invasion of their privacy and no matter how much I pointed out I'm not getting into a situation with someone who has been arrested for assault or anything fraud or criminal they wouldn't budge, even though it's completely public information.

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u/reallylikelemons 10d ago

I started to relax on my relentless googling before a first date with a neighbor because I was feeling creepy about it.

On the third date he mentioned that he had been in jail for a few years but passed it off as nothing much. I assumed it was weed or white collar because he worked for a tech company I thought doesn't hire violent felonies, all seemed fine. Went to his house that night but caught a bit of a vibe that he'd lied about something during our chat unrelated to the jail thing.

Googled, and, welp, whattya know. Bro went to jail for something related to duct taping his ex's new boyfriend to a chair while kidnapping her at gunpoint. She didn't press charges, or dropped charges, or something, so the actual charge he went to jail for didn't match the police report, thus allowing him to pass his background check at that company (who I know is not supposed to google their prospects in case they find sensitive items that might cause bias during a hiring decision).

Yikes. Thought he had ghosted me and was pretty glad, when he popped back up a week later I declined to continue interactions. Was not kidnapped. All good.

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u/Lopsided-Wishbone606 11d ago

That is so smart. I truly wish I did this around 2007 and not sunk 7 years into a relationship with an exceptionally charming but ultimately awful person. 2-3 years in, once we're living together, the IRS seized as many of his assets as they could. He insists this is a "mistake." I was good at denial at that point. Later, I find out that it was a big lie that he paid cash for his car. It turns out he bought it across the country, left that state, and defaulted on the loan; dude was essentially driving a stolen car because he knew they wouldn't go cross country to repo an old used car. I also found out he'd been sued by numerous landlords and employers. It kills me to think of what I could have learned in the first place.

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u/keyserv 11d ago

My sister married a seemingly well-off guy. He made my nephew eat his own vomit once at dinner.

They're divorced, now.

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u/bmbmwmfm 11d ago

We must have the same ex. What a joy to have MY wages garnished for his doings, discovered after the divorce. Did the whole innocent spouse thing with the irs but by that time so much had been taken...sigh...lesson learned.

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u/Opalescenttreeshark0 10d ago

Same ex here too. I ended up crying on the phone to some poor lady at my bank because he put our account in $1000 overdraft and left me with 2 babies under 3yo, a mountain of unpaid bills and an eviction notice after he said he could handle our finances. Most humiliating moment of my life. I've dated since then, but I refuse to join lives with a partner.

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u/bmbmwmfm 10d ago

Same embarrassing situation. My boss heard me on the phone with IRS asking how I was supposed to live on what they left me with. (They could take a HUGE percentage but not every penny, still, not even enough for food much less everything)...and offered me $$ to make it til the next payday. Bless her heart. However, the most humiliating thing I'd been through. Found out apparently closed door offices offer no privacy even though it feels like it, thin walls...

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u/Opalescenttreeshark0 10d ago

Ugh I can feel the shame. It's horrible feeling so helpless and screwed over by someone who claimed to love you. So many questions I never got the answer to. I still don't know where all our money was going up til then. And I don't understand how he let it get to that point, finances and budgets aren't hard. I've been broke since we split 11yrs ago and I've still paid every single bill on time and put food on the table.

Oh, and this man had the audacity to ask me for "his half" of our govt child tax credit a month later. My married friends still don't understand why I don't want a husband lmao. I can't afford one in this economy.

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u/IndigoFlame90 11d ago

"Charming but ultimately awful".

Ah. Like how they describe serial killers.

My husband was bummed out over student evaluations (college). Nothing scathing, but there was "really awkward dude" and a reference to corny jokes (I've not really noticed this but I also one-up his dad on 'dad jokes').

I was like "Plus side, doesn't give the vibe of 'serial killer' or 'ooh, maybe some of the freshmen aren't 18 yet."

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u/Mermaid_Lily 11d ago

It kills me to think of what I could have learned in the first place.

But you know it now. Give past-you some grace. <3

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u/sugartomyT 11d ago

Predatory men hate when we get spaces where we can discuss solutions against their depravity, for our own safety. Never forget that crap. The amount of backlash anti rape dispozitives got when there were news articles about them fucking sickens me to this day.

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u/xx99saitama 11d ago

Will use feminism as a weapon/tool to manipulate or say things like women have it easy. Also, shame me for working out/eating healthy or wanting to better myself in anyway. Some men are just gross.

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u/Weast4200 10d ago

The same men to shame you for working out and eating healthy are also the ones to look at a curvy woman and tell them to eat a salad.

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u/CluelessButTrying 11d ago

Men who always tell women to "calm down" and frame them as too emotional but are the type to go off and get incensed over the smallest of stressors themselves

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u/horsempreg 11d ago

“STOP BEING SO EMOTIONAL!” the man screamed in anger, which isn’t an emotion, obviously, but a form of logic.

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u/swmitabyss 10d ago

Screaming? No. He’s raising his tone to get a point across to his daft woman! /s

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u/Independent-Cat-7728 10d ago edited 10d ago

I’ve been with someone exactly like this & what I gathered from that was that in his mind his emotions were logical & mine were not. (Your brain on no empathy)

Comes along with the line of thinking too that when they do something wrong they have reasons (so it’s okay) unlike when anyone else does- they are just bad people (so it’s unforgivable). These people have astoundingly poor EQ.

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u/LadyLoki5 10d ago

In the same vein as this, men who blame the show of any emotion on your period.

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u/KatyG9 11d ago

Cruelty to animals

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u/TheMFGrinch 11d ago

Be cautious of people who are cruel to animals, a lot of murderers, shady people in general, and serial killers have done the same. I think that these people do not care about the lives of others

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u/[deleted] 11d ago

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u/KatyG9 11d ago

Exactly my rationale.

There are a bunch of "respectable" people I have cut ties with solely based on how they treat wildlife or their own pets

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u/driveonacid 11d ago

I had a snow day on Monday (got one again today) so I was home all day. I heard my neighbor's dog start to yelp and cry. Sure enough, that piece of trash was beating it. Then, he did it again later in the day. I stood on my front porch like a caricature of a pissed off housewife (don't have the husband, though) in my fuzzy robe and yelled at him to stop abusing his dog.

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u/Polarchuck 10d ago

Next time video him beating his dog and send it to the ASPCA or the relevant organization in your country.

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u/Broccoli_Yumz 11d ago

One of my abusive exes was cruel to animals. He threw a cat out the window on the second floor (it was fine, landed on something nearby), and he fed one of our baby mice to his friend's snake (I heard it being crushed 😔). Turns out he has some untreated mental disorder and was just horrible. It all ended horribly, with him attacking me and me running up and down our apartment hallways screaming for help. So yeah, big warning sign. He's now married btw. Not sure how that even happened, but I feel bad for the woman.

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u/amzyanti 11d ago

cruelty (or even indifference) to any being, really

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u/Graystone_Industries 11d ago

This is just...non-negotiable. I would walk away in the moment.

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u/isthishowweadult 11d ago

A guy showed up to his date in a car covered in big titty anime girl stickers. Inside and out. Every and all surfaces. The whole damn thing just tits and ass. And the back seat had these pillows shaped like anime girls too.

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u/PKMKII 11d ago

Oh god, I saw one of these in the wild, back bumper was covered in lewd (but not outright pornographic) anime stickers related to a, particular fetish. The cherry on top was in the middle of all of them was a bumper sticker that just said “sorry mom.”

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u/okaydamn 10d ago

yuck, i'm sorry to that guy's mom as well.

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u/gumball_wizard 10d ago

I saw one last month that also had his 5 year old daughter in the car with him.

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u/Canookian 10d ago

I live in Japan and I can count on my hands the number of times I've seen this. Thankfully, here, the Venn diagram of people who have the money to do that and the people who think it's okay are basically two circles just barely touching.

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u/Fun_Plantain5129 11d ago

Recently saw a Reddit post pic of a truck w/ a HUGE “clit commander” sticker across the entire top of the windshield… like really dude!?

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u/_Weyland_ 11d ago

Your username feel very relevant to this.

For real though, that's a surprising ammount of effort spent on making a bad impression.

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u/Pezdrake 11d ago

I'll say this for him, he told her right up front who he was.

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u/SeveralLargeLizards 11d ago

The "prove it" guys.

I had a conversation with a dude once in my 20s, we were hitting it off swimmingly. I was taken so just shooting the shit with a potential friend, he mentioned being excited for the new Halo and I said I loved the first game, and that it was my first FPS on the PC.

He staunchly kept on the fact that the first Halo was never for the PC. Even though I relayed the entire plot to him, my favorite mission, and spoiled the ending - no, I was lying. I never played it, I just looked it up and that's why I knew so much.

I'm still baffled by that idiot. Any time a guy challenges the validity of something I enjoy I don't engage, since then. Such a weird, uncomfortable conversation that made no sense lmao. Now I just go, sure bud, whatever you say, and write him off.

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u/I_AM_FERROUS_MAN 10d ago

What a uniquely dumb hill to die on... Just baffling.

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u/SaraAmis 11d ago

"Alpha male" or "high value man."

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u/Sleepy_Tortoise 10d ago

when I hear someone claiming to be "high value", I hear someone coping really hard

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u/AntheaBrainhooke 10d ago

See also "sexual market value" or "body count".

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u/Deckard_Didnt_Die 10d ago

Read "I think I'm worth more then other people because I go to the gym a few times a week"

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u/Lethave 11d ago

I do find it hilarious that the men who are the loudest about outlining what makes an “alpha” or high value man never actually meet the requirements themselves. They are arguing on behalf of a bunch of imaginary gorgeous billionaires.

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u/yodelingllama 11d ago

Maybe not a huge red flag to most people, but anytime I express interest in a not traditionally feminine hobby or topic or expression and I get the, "Don't worry about it/you wouldn't get it because you're a girl."

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u/tsundokoala 11d ago edited 10d ago

Agree, any behaviour that questions my genuine interest in traditionally non-feminine interests or hobbies are major red flags for me. It’s just another form of misogyny and disrespect.

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u/abie915 10d ago

Ugh, it's so much cringe when a girl who's into a guy hobby gets gatekeeped by some asshole just because he assumes she's doing it for attention. I'm a guy and I enjoy typical guy stuff like working on cars and tinkering with electronics. I would be thrilled to meet a girl who was into any of my interests. If I ever become a father to a girl, I'm going to introduce her to all my hobbies no matter what anyone else says or thinks.

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u/abortionleftovers 11d ago

Ohh and how about the opposite when you think that hobby is not interesting and suddenly that hobby is something ANYONE smart would LOVE and how could you not get it? When just seconds ago that same dude would gatekeep women out of that group

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u/bunnyrut 11d ago

When just seconds ago that same dude would gatekeep women out of that group

Those dudes are the reason I never spoke up about what I liked when I was younger. We played video games in my house, like as a family. Family night was everyone teaming up on an NES game. But I was the main one who played outside of that. Everyone assumed the gaming consoles all belonged to my brother. He had his and I had mine. But girls don't play video games so obviously I was lying.

Of course as we got older those same boys whined about girls not wanting anything to do with them. Yeah, no shit. I don't want to be around them because they treated me like shit for liking the same things they did.

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u/Alexis_J_M 11d ago edited 10d ago

https://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1883

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal cartoon panel:

Boy: given building toy as gift, infinite possiblity

Girl: given doll as gift.

Man: "Why are there so few female engineers"?

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u/DoggyGrin 10d ago edited 10d ago

I'm a Gen X woman. When I was little and asked for Lincoln Logs or those cool building sets, I was specifically told those weren't girl toys and I couldn't have them. Barbies (I was never a doll girl), a toy kitchen, and stuffed animals for me. Not gonna lie, I had a ceramic corelle tea set I loved, but the rest of it...meh. i wanted mental stimulation.

Now I work in GIS, so screw you mom and dad.

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u/Caballita14 11d ago edited 11d ago

I’m a woman who swims and free dives with sharks as a hobby. I cannot tell you the amount of men who’s faces completely change when I tell them that and it’s hilarious. They are usually the ones who come of as alphas but would never jump into the water w sharks with me. So they get super awkward and don’t know how to react to that. I love what I do and it helps to weed out those who would ever want to test my strength as a woman. Another fun fact is more women jump into the waters on our dives than the guys who usually prefer to stay on the boat.

Edit: I do this to advocate for shark conservation, anti-finning measures, and their health with others. In no way should anyone swim with them unless trained and educated - and if you want to, Jupiter FL always offers shark snorkels for anyone who’d like to try the experience.

Also not downing men who don’t want to swim with them. Just saying some women have hobbies that aren’t “feminine” and I’m in total support of my fellow women who do. :)

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u/Baxtru 11d ago

Being quick to anger, especially while driving. Wanting to argue about everything like it's a sport.

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u/Cadmium_Aloy 11d ago

No emotional regulation is a huge turn off. Go to therapy on your own time to fix it, not mine. I'm NOT your therapist!

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u/Cool-Owl 10d ago

For some reason many men tend to think anger is a positive masculine trait that needs to be acted on every time. Grow up.

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u/pipis9001 11d ago

Absolutely, having to get the last word in has been a huge indicator for me. Just being unwilling to admit you were wrong/the convo is over. Leads to anger quickly

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u/KJM31422 11d ago

Men who get angry at you for explaining bad things in the world instead of at the actual bad things.

A few years ago my friend [28f] and I [28m] had to take like 3+ hours to explain to our former mutual friend [28m] that dating can be dangerous for women, the concept of an emergency call, and always letting a friend know where you're going g and what you're doing on a date. Instead of being understanding or getting frustrated that the situation is shit enough that women feel the need to do this. He got defensive and mad at us for explaining it to him, said the concept on am emergency call 'wasnt fair to the guy especially if he paid' and was butrhurt for days that a woman potentially felt unsafe around him. Needless to say, we don't talk to him much anymore... I hope he figures it out one day

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u/SarcasticAutumnFae 10d ago

I have 2 in addition to what so many of you have already shared:

  1. Rudeness or dismissiveness to service staff (anyone from restaurant servers to janitorial staff).
  2. Shitting on my interests/hobbies. Oh you like xyz? Let me google it and share with you the first negative story on it I can find and speak as though that one thing is the whole world's opinion on it.
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u/walaruse 10d ago

When a dude asks me whether I’m PMSing or on my period. My dad would do that when I was in high school sometimes and it made me FURIOUS. A bit of therapy years later and I realized that I was always angry because he was emotionally abusive and refused to treat me like my thoughts and opinions mattered. He has apologized for not being the best dad, but I still have anger issues.

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u/averagevegetable- 11d ago

Treating animals and children bad, not accepting boundaries.

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u/AceArguments 11d ago

Calling a woman Femoids. If you have to come up with a completely different word for the sex that you claim to "respect", you're shady. Period.

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u/TheGiftOf_Jericho 10d ago

That's an incel term, they should also be carrying a lot of other red flags if it really gets to the stage where you might be in a potential relationship with one.

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u/silsool 10d ago

I don't think people who use the term "femoid" claim to respect women.

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u/TheKnightsTippler 11d ago edited 11d ago

Using terms that suggest they buy into online misogynist bullshit, like alpha.

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u/averagevegetable- 11d ago

"Redpilled"

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u/ForscherVerrat 11d ago

In my experience any guy who uses the term alpha is the biggest bitch. They only claim their alpha status around women, but around dudes it’s radio silence.

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u/csamsh 11d ago

Any man who called himself an alpha in front of other men would immediately identify himself as not an alpha

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u/MillionPtsofLight 11d ago

Being intensely competitive at friendly games. I once dated a guy who couldn't be happy unless he was "winning" at whatever we were doing. We bowled exactly one time and it was a miserable experience.

Sulking.

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u/Cool-Owl 10d ago

Haha my spouse's day is ruined if they don't win the family card/board games. We sat down and I was like, listen, I know it's important to you to be good at things but no one wants to play with you if you turn into a jerk when you lose, and this includes me. It's a game and it proves nothing about your abilities/personality if you win or lose. Chill.

Sulking is so true. I dated some who sulked early on in our relationship. Wish I could have known all the shot they'd pull to manipulate. Same person would silent treat me and be like you should just know and do better. No, use your words and communicate, because communication is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. That flooded back seeing your comment haha

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u/Pussy4LunchDick4Dins 10d ago

My friend likes to bring guys to indoor rock climbing for their first date. If they get extremely upset that she’s better than them, even though she’s been doing in for a couple of years and often it’s their first time ever, she already knows she can weed them out.

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u/Littlemuffn 10d ago

“I’m not wearing condoms hunny, you really need to get on birth control”

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u/Far_Anteater_256 11d ago edited 11d ago Gold

The word "traditional" when applied to any expectations between women & men. It's an absolute guarantee that they think they're entitled to treat me like garbage & I not only should be grateful for the opportunity to experience that, I should eagerly give them whatever they want, as well as tolerate whatever bullshit they dish out with the understanding that it's all precisely what I, as a woman, deserve.

NOPE.

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u/misoranomegami 11d ago

The word "traditional" when applied to any expectations between women & men

Somehow at least in the ones I meet that never translates to I will work 60 hour weeks or whatever I need to do to ensure everything is taken care of financially, you never have to worry about money, I'll provide for your interests and your travel, and also handle all the bills and schedules and all physical labor around the house and you focus on childcare/homemaking.

Division of labor is fine but it always seem to come across as the wife needs to do all the homemaking/childcare AND also work a full time job, participate equally in physical demanding/dirty chores, probably balance the family finances, and do all the scheduling for the entire family. Funny how that works out.

See also 'I could theoretically be drafted to war (if we weren't a volunteer army and I wasn't horribly out of shape and unsuitable for military service)' so it's ok if people take away your rights every day right now. As if I wasn't 100% against the draft for either gender.

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u/adjective____noun 10d ago

Not exactly the same but in a similar expectation to "traditional", I have to be on the look out for men who think that the racist stereotype about Japanese women is a real thing. I unfriended someone because they said something like "you curse an awful lot, aren't you supposed to be like reserved and quiet."

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u/Nikkisfirstthrowaway 11d ago

Also when they are "non-political". That just means they're conservative but too afraid to own it

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u/IsItTurkeyNeckOrDick 10d ago

I was friends with one of these guys for ages. He got through under the radar because he always said, "why does everything have to be political?" And I never caught on that shit way of not admitting he's a raging hardon for men like Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro.

No thanks.

Last time we talked and be used that I said, "because everything is political when your life is literally at stake." He stfu.

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u/Suspicious-Bedroom66 11d ago

Anyone who sees themselves as constantly maligned and mistreated in ways that no one else can possibly understand 🚩

A dating profile containing almost no relevant information about personality or interests 🚩

Anyone whose idea of a compliment involves putting someone else down in comparison (e.g. most girls do xyz, I like that you don’t) 🚩

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u/huiscloslaqueue 11d ago

Men who talk over me like my knowledge means nothing to them.

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u/MrsClaireUnderwood 11d ago

I get talked over constantly by a few people in my current friend group and it gets so old. Do you not hear someone else already speaking? You just have to get your thought out that second like a god damn child?

It's a clear tell that not only are they not listening, they actually don't care what you have to say.

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u/huiscloslaqueue 11d ago

That is spot on. And the reason why it's a red flag to me.

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u/cloudhead7 11d ago

When men don’t care about abortion rulings or laws because it doesn’t effect them is a huge one.

Or really pushy guys who push boundaries

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u/best_voter 11d ago

This is a great response! It's highly indicative of how much the person in question actually cares; not just about you but about the well-being of what is about half the general population.

It's simply not worth it. You're worth more as a person, you deserve better than a partner who you can't even rely on when it comes to an issue like that.

Even if you can't get pregnant, even if you're sterilised - when would you mind? When the right to vote is gone? When the right to go outside autonomously is gone? Don't let them or anyone else bullshit you, you're worth more and you deserve better.

The same goes for the second part! You're worth more and deserve better than that.

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u/jello-kittu 11d ago

And claiming it doesn't affect them is wrong- unless they actually are snipped and verified as fully sterile. Child support would be agenda #1 if I were forced into parenthood.

*besides the whole narcissistic lack of empathy part.

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u/chloethejean 10d ago

Men who smugly assume they have "better taste" in music or media than you, refuse to understand that people have different tastes, and make fun of you for what you enjoy.

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u/nutmegtell 11d ago

Unsolicited dick pics. Every single woman I know doesn’t want them . Dudes keep sending them.

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u/smarmy_pants 10d ago

Because it's what THEY would want - a pic of your tits or ass. They just think if they go first you'll be down.

A pic of an average, erect penis does nothing for most women.

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u/Mermaid_Lily 11d ago

Men who imply (or even outright say) that they think they are smarter than me because I'm a woman.

While that might sound like I'm exaggerating, I used to have a friend who would joke about this. Over time, I came to realize that he meant it. He genuinely believed he was more intelligent than all women.

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u/horsebatterydildo 10d ago

Woman in IT here. Can confirm.

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u/mermaidish 11d ago

Men who can take care of themselves just fine when they’re on their own but seem to suddenly forget how to do basic chores as soon as a woman moves in. Weaponized incompetence is the least sexy thing in the world.

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u/Frankly_Mai 11d ago

I often refer to them as Benjamin Buttons. They were fully capable men when they lived on their own, but then they slowly descend to a dependent, childlike state. The worst ones wait until the children are born.

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u/benetbutterfly 10d ago

I married a Benjamin Button. He was completely able to take care of his own stuff, cleaned, cooked, did yard work, bought his family gifts, etc. I noticed when I got pregnant that I was the only one planning or buying anything for the baby. By the end of my maternity leave, he wasn’t doing any housework. By the time I gave birth to my second, he stopped cooking. I was a SAHM at that point and everything has fallen upon my shoulders. He still cuts the lawn because he gets to be outside for 3 hours uninterrupted listening to his podcasts. If I would have known this division of labor would fall this way, I wouldn’t have married him. They really wait to show their true colors until you’re vulnerable and can’t leave 😭

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u/MidWhip 10d ago

“Weaponized Incompetence” is a fantastic term

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u/thiscouldbemassive 11d ago

A guy whose stories are all about how much, smarter, more talented, more moral, and just all around better he is than everyone everyone else he knows. This is a guy who needs to push other people down in order to prop up his own ego. His craving for admiration far exceeds his actual worth. Guaranteed he's trash talking me to people he knows.

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u/ExpensiveGift663 11d ago edited 11d ago

“I don’t care if I have a girl but I’d expect to keep trying until we had a boy” said a tinder date I had just met.

WHO IS WE

Edit: To clarify this was a man saying this to me.

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u/Happymomof4 11d ago

My father would have asked him if he was using the "royal we"?

My mother would have asked him if he had a mouse in his pocket?

That was their standard response when someone said "we" without having the slightest reason to believe the other person was on board!

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u/artfartspaulblart 11d ago

omg I love both of these responses, but the mouse in pocket is so cute/ funny.

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u/LittleMtnMama 11d ago

Related, double standards in parenting about it being ok for girls to do boy things but not the other way around.

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u/MistressofTechDeath 11d ago

“Ain’t no “we” here, boy”

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u/idekanymore_34 11d ago

Talking shit about other women to me. Overly sexual is an ICK idc. Negging 🚩

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u/unbonmadi 11d ago

When I clue in to the fact that they view me through the lens of family. Bosses who say I'm like a daughter, women treating me like a young relative, guys who seem to use their experience with their sisters to understand me, etc. Young kids get off the hook for treating me like a glorified mother. I am fine with people using their personal experiences to understand the world, but they have to understand their limitations and move beyond them.

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u/Alexis_J_M 11d ago

I once had a guy take offense when I said that of course a friend would know where I was going, who I was meeting, and when I was expected back.

I cancelled the date.

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u/SnappyCapricorn 10d ago edited 10d ago

Their gender references are “men” & “girls,” & when called out on it respond with “yOu KnOw WhAt I mEaN!” Yes I do. He needs to infantilize women while elevating men to even engage with the opposite sex. He’ll make an attempt to respect a woman as a sentient being if his perceived authority & superiority is honored at all times. And he’ll need constant babying to validate his manhood.

Probably tells underage girls how “mature” they are.

Or he’s just too stupid to differentiate between adults & children.

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u/randommutt 11d ago

I had a 2/3 experience today. Got called a bitch and sent a middle finger photo. Stay classy guys.

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u/quirkyredpanda 11d ago

When I hear females I instantly think of the ferengi from star trek. FEE-males. Ferengi are basically incels anyway.

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u/Suspicious-Bedroom66 11d ago

I’m fuzzy on the details, it’s been awhile, but I definitely saw an episode of Deep Space Nine where it was made explicitly clear that Ferengi wives are not viewed as their husbands’ equals. Definitely good to avoid anyone similar.

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u/OculusArcana 11d ago

Yup, from the Wikipedia article on Ferengi:

Ferengi culture is also portrayed as extremely sexist; in early seasons of Deep Space Nine, Ferengi females are not permitted to earn profit, travel, or even wear clothing. A long-running plot thread on DS9 features Ferengi society's gradual evolution away from these practices, especially as Quark's mother Ishka establishes herself as a respected businesswoman and financial advisor.

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u/hello_berrie 11d ago

My father laughs when my mom is crying.
I chose a man who hugs me when I'm crying.

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u/KrazyAboutLogic 10d ago

I've had exes (male and female) get mad when I am crying, saying I am trying to manipulate them. Big red flag for me now.

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u/Mayleenoice 11d ago

"it was just a joke".

"don't take it personally"

yeahhh sure. So how worse the "jokes" and "critics" will get once we're settled ?

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u/ImpressiveEffect8212 11d ago

Stereotyping women or making comments about women as a group without remembering/understanding/considering that every woman is a unique individual. For example, complaining about “old ladies” or making comments like “women are better a X than men”

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u/iceariina 11d ago

Men who interrupt people. They tend to think their opinion is fact.

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u/artfartspaulblart 11d ago

I'll add to that the sheer confidence behind proclaiming their opinions as facts is sometimes flabbergasting, although really at this point it shouldn't be.

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u/bunnyrut 11d ago

"All my ex's are crazy."

Are they? Every single one? Do you exclusively date people from an insane asylum?

Or is it that they saw your bullshit, called you out on it and left your sorry ass.

I can totally believe you having one crazy ex. There are some wackos out there. But if all of them are crazy then the problem is you.

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u/Cumbrianon 11d ago

When he says something sexist, racist, homophobic or transphobic etc. and he tries to pass it off as “banter” - especially if you’re the one whom he’s saying those things to.

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u/hearmeout29 11d ago

Men who date teens and they are over 25.

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u/FuyoBC 11d ago

Talk about their work/experience/life as if is more important than anything you could possibly say. Listen to you for a moment, interrupt with some point that may or may not be relevant and then continue their monologue.

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u/Generation111 11d ago

Men who talk about sex too soon. Automatic no for me.

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u/ConsiderationKind436 10d ago

Men who says things like, “You’re not one of those crazy ones though, right?” After me mentioning any sort of feminist stance.

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u/TeensyKook 11d ago

Men who call women “whore”

I hate that word and how they will use it to devalue a woman.

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u/Admirable_Invite8645 11d ago

Being pro-life

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u/nebtlly 11d ago

Here's a couple of my weirdly specific ones that have never yet been wrong:

If they are outspoken in their distaste for cats. Not being a "cat person" is totally fine. Saying specifically and overtly that you hate cats usually means that cats hate you, and as cats are essentially fuzzy little walking lessons in consent, that tells me something.

If, upon hearing about my trauma (meaning they've behaved themselves decently up to that point), they call me some variation of a "bird with broken wings." Wildly specific, has happened several times, and each time I should have run like the fucking wind.

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u/shoesfromparis135 10d ago

“A Bird with broken wings.”

Yes, strangely specific, and also something guys say when they think they’re much deeper than they are. Sometimes they even try to pass it off as a line in a poem or a song they wrote themselves.

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u/Xyzzydude 11d ago

cats are essentially fuzzy little walking lessons in consent

I love that line!

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u/No_Income6576 11d ago

This is oddly specific but I first learned about this red flag from my awful step dad and had it nicely confirmed by several men I've dated in my life:

If they change the channel on my tv in my home without asking/tell me to change the channel. I'd categorize this flag as crimson.

A pale pink flag: they are big sports fans. I'm sorry, I cannot stand sports. They are easily my least favorite reality tv. It goes along with the TV but usually they will dominate months of the year, social occasions, and the TV! I started flagging this quietly years ago with wonderful success. I'm now married and we barely noticed when the Olympics and the world cup happened awhile back. It was glorious!

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u/megann44cookie 10d ago

Men who aren’t as respectful or nice to women they don’t find attractive. I’ve been around men who are super nice to me but are rude to women they don’t deem attractive. I broke contact. Only respecting women you want to sleep with isn’t respecting all women.

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u/DustyDaHorse 11d ago

Gets mad when you wear something they don't like. I once wore a spiked choker with a fun outfit once and my ex got unreasonably angry because he thought it was a fetish thing- it was not. It's just an accessory.

Pretty much if anyone starts going on about modesty.

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u/PomeloLongjumping993 10d ago

girls wearing whatever they want = empowering

Me wearing my perry the platypus beanie for two dates in a row = immature

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u/TunyG 11d ago

When a guy’s following list is full of instagram “models” (thirst traps, half-naked pictures, overly sexualised content, …) 🤮🤮🤮

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u/ChibiTarheel 10d ago

“I’m a good guy.” Good guys never describe themselves as good guys. They trust their behavior speaks for itself.

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u/southdakotagoth 11d ago

Being disrespectful to people in the service industry

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u/ihatemytoe 10d ago

When they say “oh I’ve never been with (insert x race)” or “you’re pretty for a (insert x race) girl”

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u/HowYouSayLoca 10d ago

Guys who freak if you actually have a life and don’t drop everything to respond right away to their message. NEXT 🚩

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